Big Trouble little Nippon

2010/03/07

How to Use a Japanese Toilet Seat

Remember your first time? For those of you living in Japan, we've all had it happen. Normally you wouldn't go near it, but it's an emergency and you can't find a 'real' toilet anywhere, so you give in and try to use the Japanese style 'hole in the ground' version, and most likely botched things up. Wouldn't it have been nice if there had been picture instructions to help you along? Maybe then you wouldn't have pissed on your shoes or flushed your pants down the toilet.
This one of a kind poster was found in a government office building, so it would seem that the creators were at least half serious.

So how do you start? Well first make sure you're facing the right way with the TOTO brand name being in front of you. So far so good! Next, stand over the bowl like so, then drop your pants to your ankles.

Next, assume the squat position. For first timers, it might seem like you're aiming right into your pants. Guess what? You are aiming into your pants. Lean back a little so you're supporting your whole body weight with just your knees as in the picture. If you can hold that position for more than 10 seconds you must have bionic implants in your legs. Unless you're a professional though, you might want to reach out and hold on to whatever pipes or walls are handy.

Ok so if you think you're ready then 'do it'! Glad to see they drew the guy actually dropping a log, I don't know if I would have understood if they hadn't. Still holding the position with your shins of steel, wipe your butt. If you stand up anytime during your performance, you lose 10 points automatically. Finished yet? Wait!

Your knees are going to be hurting a bit from the workout you've just given them so stand up slowly or as they politely inform you, 'you're gonna fall down on shit!' Hasn't happened to me yet, but I guess there's a precedent. Happy squatting!